bananabuttmuffin: The best road rage I’ve ever seen was this girl screaming out of her car window “I hope you don’t fuck like you drive!” I still think about that sometimes.
sextbook: cause of death: hypothermia from being too cool
gif: you can’t buy happiness but you can buy bacon
dirkception: *breathes heavily* Are you gonna reblog that? because i reblogged that just for you
lockless: friendlycloud: hitlervevo: why the fuck cant we text the police lets say there is a murderer in ur house and you’re hiding behind your sofa and you do have your phone with you but you can’t call the police because the murderer might hear you Relevant It’s very simple. Call and leave the line open, and don’t respond. The police will assume you’re in an extremely dangerous...
internetexplorers: constantly wanting to rebel but not wanting to get into trouble
hotlocalsingle: DONT SIT ON TOP THIS DICK IF U SCARED OF HEIGHTS
That awkward moment when someone reminds you that...
shoutout to my parents for not supervising what i do on the internet ever
obsessiveobsessions: sexandscenery: geometricdeathtrap: metallikato: generallegendary: metallikato: jewelstaites: how to give a good handjob bop it pull it twist it harder better faster stronger You pull your left hand in You pull your left hand out You pull your left hand in And you shake it all about! Cha cha real smooth none of you ever touch a penis ever. Haha
stealinyoman: marry a guy who has sisters because he’s seen the female in her natural state therefore won’t have any unrealistic expectations of you
jenthesoprano: I don’t know how all these teenagers sneak out at night I’m too lazy to even get out of bed
zackisontumblr: if you ever have children you could introduce them to people by saying hey wanna see what i made
akanedee: if you ever call me annoying, even if it’s just jokingly, the chances of me ever speaking to you again are slim to none because I’ll be so afraid that every little word or sound that comes out of my mouth will aggravate you and make you cringe and hate my existence
Me: *sits in towel for 6 months after showering*
i cant sleep but im sleepy do you see my fuckin problem
breadboxes: LISTEN HERE U LITTLE SHIT i love u
richwhitelesbian: we need some new and more powerful swears